What You Can’t Get Back: Chapter Nine

It’s been three weeks since Logan showed up at my house acting like he had something on his mind and I haven’t seen him since. I am starting to think maybe he’s avoiding me.  I’ve been busy helping Lacey with the favors and table arrangements and anything else she can drop off at my door. Two nights ago all of the bridesmaids were here building these intricate centerpieces and I wanted to pull my hair out.  I’m as crafty as the next person but really my sister is insane.  Her drive for this imaginary perfection is over the top and even the other girls were about to tar and feather her at one point.  That’s Lacey though.  She’s extravagant and showy and I can’t wait to be free of it.

“Hey, have you seen Logan lately?” I asked her yesterday, my curiosity getting the better of me.

“He’s been around why? You two get in a fight or something?” she asks, a little too cheerfully.

“No, I just figured maybe he found a girl or something, he hasn’t been over to get dinner from me lately,” I reply calmly.

“Well if he did he can’t bring her to the wedding, he already RSVP’ed. I mean I didn’t account for a plus one for him,” she says getting flustered.

“Lacey, he’s your brother, do you think one extra person would really matter that much?” I half scold her.

“Yes, it would matter.  The family tables are already done, I’m not doing them again…” she practically whines.

“Wow, you’re something else you know that I’ve been the one making up the tables so I don’t know what you’re so damn worried about…” I shoot back at her getting a little defensive.

“September 3rd is not that far away Lucy, and I have to have the final number to the caterer by august 10th.  So if he doesn’t tell someone it isn’t going to happen…” she says, and in my mind, I’m choking her with my hands.

“What if I said I was bringing someone?” I spit at her.

“I’d say no to that too.  I mean it isn’t like you’re dating anyone anyway…” she says and immediately I can see some sort of regret pass across her perfect features.

“You are a bitch. I’m done, you need to leave Lacey…” I tell her without even thinking before the words escape my mouth.

“Really? Maybe you need to get laid…maybe you should fucking get over Jack already, Lucy. It’s been two years of you moping all around and I’m sick of that.  Besides I think he finally found someone, he hasn’t been around much lately with JJ and they haven’t been hanging out like they used too. Get over him already… you are better off without him…” she throws at me.

“Get out!” Go!” I scream at her.

“Touchy tonight, Lucy? Seriously did you think he was going to be single forever?” she says as she gathers her things.

“You are so much like mom it’s sickening…” I yell as the door closes behind her.

My mind is racing a thousand miles a minute after she leaves with thoughts about jack dating someone else. He isn’t mine anymore but it doesn’t mean that he didn’t leave a huge hole in my heart that can’t be filled. The idea of him moving on makes my skin crawl and for a split second, I wonder if he would feel the same.

I wonder who is messaging me for a split second before I look at the phone. JJ? There’s a picture attached to the message and when I open it my insides turn, I’m going to be sick. Her hand is tugging at his hair, their lips locked together, she’s sitting on his lap…omg.

“What the fuck is going on JJ????”

“Mark sent that to me an hour ago, I’m so sorry Luce…but I thought you should know”

“Did you know?? Did you fucking know, JJ?”

He doesn’t answer me for a long time and while I’m tossing my lunch back into the toilet my phone buzzes.

“Hey Luce, I have a late meeting, go ahead and start dinner without me I’ll grab something on the way home…”

Late meeting my ass I think as I straighten myself a bit before grabbing my keys and rushing out the door. I’m on autopilot as I drive to his office, no plan, no idea of what I’m going to say or do. When I pull in I spot his jeep in the lot right away, the sand colored stickered up jeep, you can take the man off the dirt bike but you can’t take the dirt bike outta the man.  I’m lucky it isn’t quitting time yet because I can blend in with the other cars in the lot.  I wait.  I don’t know for how long but I’m still waiting at five and tears are silently falling down my cheeks when finally he comes out. He’s not alone though, she’s walking beside him. The only thought that enters my mind is how different he suddenly looks to me. Like it isn’t my husband, he’s a stranger. I realize it then that he’s been a stranger for almost a year and a half now. His dark hair is long now, and there are shadows under his eyes that seemed to have appeared without my knowledge, the way he moves his body is different, forced, calculated somehow. When did that happen? How didn’t I see it happening? I think as she climbs into the passenger side, into my seat.

It’s like I’m living those moments all over again. Every painful minute and it guts me. I wish Logan would stop in, or that Dani wasn’t off in some foreign country with no cell service, I need to talk to someone.  Leave it to Lacey to drag all that up, she sure knows how to hit me where it hurts I think as my phone buzzes.

“Hello,” I answer unable to hide the shake in my voice.

“Lucy are you okay?” JJ’s voice says on the other end.

“I take it she told you I threw her out?” I answer.

“Yep.  He isn’t dating Lucy…” he says, surprising me a little.

“She actually told you what she said?” I ask.

“She did. You know if he was I would tell you,” he says softly.

“I know. How can you stand her sometimes?” I question.

“She doesn’t pull that shit with me. She knows how to get to you and you pissed her off somehow and she struck out.  Was she right, no.  It’s probably the one thing I can’t stand about her, she’s so much like your mother sometimes…” he says honestly.

“I said the same thing as she slammed my front door… you know JJ I know he’s going to eventually move on. I know that. And I also know that I will too, but I’m not there yet,” I confide in him.

“I know.  It’s not easy to get over that kind of love, Lucy. You may never fully get over it, but you’ll be able to find someone who can make it hurt a little less one day,” JJ says.

“Thanks, JJ.  You somehow always know the right thing to say…” I say.

“It’s nothing hon, I just… you’re like a sister to me and I hope that it helps…” he says sounding flustered.

“Try and keep her away for at least a few days will you?” I say with a little chuckle, some of the anxiety easing.

“Will do. Oh, hey, before I forget is Logan okay?” he asks.

“I haven’t heard from him in a little while…” I answer.

“Oh, okay.  Jack said he stopped by a few weeks ago but hasn’t been around since…” he reveals.

“He seemed like something was bothering him when he stopped here around the same time.  I hope he isn’t in some sort of trouble…” I say.

“Me too. Hey, your crazy sister is calling me again, talk to you soon Lucy…” he says and then the voice is gone.

I wonder for a few minutes if this has to do with him staying at our parent’s house, or if he really is in trouble. I thought this summer would be different for him, that because of the wedding my mother wouldn’t be able to focus her energy on him as much, maybe I was wrong. While I’m trying to figure it out in my mind why he puts himself through that something else entirely shoves to the forefront. In less than two months I’m going to have to face Jack. I’m going to have to pretend that my insides aren’t twisting in pain, my heart isn’t cracking further down its center. I’m going to have to pull up my big girl panties for a whole day and act as though it’s the happiest day.

It won’t be. Not for me by any means. I’ll be barely hanging by a string to get through it and I wonder for a minute if Lacey even realizes just how hard that’s going to be. It will be the closest we’ve been in almost two years. I saw him about six months ago, and I couldn’t sleep for two weeks. His whole presence haunted me, all of the similarities but mostly the differences. Differences that still stood out to me as if he was wearing high heels and a dress. I was used to them when we were still together but now, he seems like a different person. Something was different that I couldn’t quite put my finger on.  Other than the obvious differences I thought, he wasn’t the angry bitter person he was at the end…

“You don’t know what you saw,” Jack screamed at me.

“I was there Jack.  I saw the way she touched you, I don’t even get to touch you at all. Do you think I’m stupid, Jack?” I screamed back.

“It was a business dinner, we were meeting clients…” he says a little calmer.

“Then explain this…” I yell as I clumsily pull up the picture on my phone.

“I…” he starts and stops before turning away.

I could see the guilt written all over his face as he turned. He knew he was caught, knew that this was it.

“I did not sign up to be treated like this Jack.  I have tried everything, done everything I could think of to even keep us going this long… I’m done,” I said as the tears began to fall.

I was tired. So tired of being in the one-sided marriage. I didn’t know how it got so far from where we were but we’d reached that point.  He knew that I would never tolerate cheating and yet he did it anyways. He changed us…